Hopeless

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Today I will talk about my Dad and a little bit of his story. As much as I love my parents for being my parents, I respect the hell out of them for.... well, read for yourself

As always be advised that strong language is used because.... Fuck it, why not

Also a fair warning..... in chapter "Rest in peace" I describe some very gruesome facts about the war in the 90s and the deaths of some soldiers my father used to grow up with. I choose to be very transparent with this information, because forgotten history is doomed to be repeated.

ALWAYS FORGIVE AND NEVER FORGET!

The names are changed due to obvious reasons. May the dead have their peace.

My Dad

-"I want to leave school, dad" is what I have said to him.

-"Don't be stupid"

What else could I expect of my father, who actually only wants the best for me and my siblings.

Let me tell you something about him. Yes, in my Blogs where I talk about my parents I do use examples where they don't get to show their best side (although the events are true, they are not really something I should share with you... BUT FUCK IT).

His childhood is a really tough one..... One that is way harder than most of us could ever think of. Imagine waking up as a 10 year old, in rural Bosnia in the mid 70s, where people still need to heat their homes with tinder and wood in order to stay warm in 2000s!!! From 11 children 3 die, due to various reasons. One being that my Grandparents don't have a doctor in their proximity and my Grandma has to carry her sick baby for miles to a hospital, only for it to die in her arms at the hospital.

Back in the 70s most houses don't have electricity and for sure no cars.

So this is his every day schedule:

- Waking up at sunrise

- Feed the horses, pigs, Ox, the cows and the chicken

- Leave the chicken out for them to wander in the garden

- Get ready for school

- Run after the train (no, not the trainstation, literally run after the train ON THE TRACKS) and hope you manage to jump on it, else you can walk your way to school

After school: Work in the fields was always dependent of the weather conditions and time of year

But this is an example of the spring months:

- Plowing with the horses and Ox

- Throwing the semen on the plowed earth

- Cut grass

- Remove trees and branches that could hinder growth of the semen

Afterwards he gets some rest... But it is almost evening..... when the sun is going down, the chickens already must have been fed and brought back to their hut. The stables for the horses, the cows and the Ox must be clean. The pigs must already have been fed.....

And he still needs to learn and do his homework.

My Grandparents are illiterate, so they cannot help him with that.

On the contrary: Their priority is survival....Soooo

"Leave them damn books and help me butcher this chicken for lunch tomorrow, HURRY YOU LITTLE MONKEY WE DON'T HAVE THE WHOLE DAMN DAY" (Nothing unusual in Balkans to call your children like that)

Ok, now you can go play right?

WRONG

Dida Ivan

If my "Dida Ivan" ("Grandpa Ivan") sees you playing soccer he immediately takes an axe and butchers the ball because "If you have enough energy to play and run, you damn right have the goddamn energy to work, you little Shits!!!"

All my Grandparents used to be the toughest people I have ever met, but the top definitely deserves my "Dida Ivan" (Das's Dad).

I mean... What else to say about somebody who witnessed the Nazis taking over control of everything, living through the battles between Partisans - Nazis - Bele Ruze - Domobrani - Italians - all sorts of other fascists and the Cetniks, survived famine and enlisted in the Balkan wars in the 90s when he is already in his late 60s and should actually be relaxing and enjoying his retirement.

No way José, instead he is guarding the Ammunition for the local militia that is defending the area with his trusty AK47, his Bayonett (that I inherit after his death) and a few hand grenades, while the young boys whom he has known since their birth, who have helped him around the fields when there is too much to do at once, die like flys in the trenches at the front from the shells and the air raids.

Even if he wanted to go away, where could he possibly go???? The whole village is surrounded by enemy forces and artillery is shredding everything to pieces in our valley. So, "keep your head down, shut the fuck up, follow your orders and hope you survive your shift to get back to your hopefully alive family at the end of your shift.

FOOD AND WATER?! HAHA, you think we are on vacation here?! Get back to your position maggot before I kick your ass!"

(Fuckin' Balkans in the 90s is a civil slaughterhouse, while the rest of Europe is mostly discrediting the suffering as "only a weaponized conflict between local minorities". So hardly any help could be sent)

No Job, no hope

Back to my dad's story:

After finishing school in the early - mid 80s he is forced to 1 year military service (It is duty in Yugoslavia), but afterwards there are no job openings.

What do you do when you can't find a job?

EXACTLY, YOU LEAVE YOUR HOME TO GET ONE!

That is when he wants to come up to Austria, to find a job. Only one problem....

Leaving Yugoslavia is difficult if you are not a member of the political party....

How does one still get to another country??

You risk being thrown in jail, being shot or (in extreme cases) being sent to the "goli otok" ("barren Island"), where you live out the rest of your days as a prisoner on the croatian Alcatraz, that is built only to contain political prisoners.

People who get sent there, are usually never heard of again. Nobody knows to this day, where exactly most of the prisoner's bodies are buried, or if they are buried at all. Maybe they are just thrown into the sea for the sharks and other predators to find them. Or they are left on the banks for the crows and nature to feed on them until the waves flush away their remains.

My mom personally knows a woman, who has never seen or heard from her dad again after the authorities take him away without a trial.

(That is all happening after WWII in Europe.......talking about fucked up countries)

So my Dad and one of his best friends (let's call him Perry) jump onto a ship without any luggage to bring them out of Yugoslavia. After a cold night of sleeping on the stairs outside the cabins, they finally reach Italy, from where they can further plan their way to Austria.

Finally

Train, bus, ship, Hitchhiking and walking gets you to Austria when you leave your country behind.

So FINALLY he and the freind get to Austria, where my Dad meets up with his brother, who already has a job for him ready.

AWESOME!!!!

It's a job, where he is literally womiting after every shift, due to the chemicals used for the products. But it is job and it pays the bills.

So from his perspective now you are in a country where you actually don't belong, where people look down on you because you are here to steal their job

(THEY TERK EER JERRBSS)

On top of all of that you can't understand a thing the people of this strange culture say to you, because your whole life you have had to work as a farmer and school was being just something like a necessary hobby.

YOU HAVE NEVER LEARNED THE LANGUAGE

Every single employer can actually exploit your situation and pay you minimum wage, because you are desperate enough to take anything that pays as a job.

But things don't look that bad anymore, you somehow find yourself between young people who are born in the same geographical region as you are and go out with them on a regular basis.

After finding a nice older Gentleman who let's you stay in one of the rooms for minimal rent, you are set for a bright future.

You finally have some success and can relax a little. You turn on the TV in the evening and the news say, that there is a weaponized conflict between local minorities right from where your parents and siblings live....

Why?!?

What would you feel, when suddenly your hometown or village is being attacked by local militia? Your life is now in Austria, but your parents and most of your siblings are down there.

Would you pray to god?

Would you curse him?

Would you leave everything behind again, to pick up the fight?

Would you try to get all of your family out from there, only to die halfway on your way to there by stepping on a mine?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

My Dad decides to pick up his youngest brother (15 at the time) and take him in, even though he has basically just turned to an adult. His brother gets to Austria in one piece and my Dad brings him through school, while their Dad is down there carrying an AK and playing soldier in his 60s.

Sometimes weeks go by where you hope everyday, that you'll hear from your family "we are all alive and well"

You simply ask yourself "Why did it come to this?"

While you are trying to avoid the topic, people around you talk 24/7 and you hear from Perry that:

"I heard, someone you know died a few months ago"

Rest in peace

Your other best friend (let's call him Joe), who used to go to school with you, whose sister you used to date (very common to date your friend's sisters back then, remember: no Tinder), whom you used to play soccer with every time your fathers haven't found the ball, ......just dead.

You don't even know he is actively fighting. You can't possibly know where and how he has died.

Only after the war you hear that he used to be a soldier in a Recon unit, which checks out enemy terrain. At the time all of this is classified info, because the enemy must not know where exactly our units are stationed and dug in so you only get sent a letter home with "K.I.A. may he rest in peace, his country will never forget his sacrifice". And that is all you get as a parent........ if you are lucky.

Many parents throughout the Balkans still to this day hope, that their missing son or daughter will come back one day, because they never recieve such a letter and yet, their son doesn't return from the mission or his shift.

Another decade later, you learn some details from fellow Veterans who used to serve in Joe's unit during the war. You hear that Joe's death has in fact been completely preventable....

After finishing a mission in enemy territories he walks back only to step on a mine that is placed there by friendly units. Nobody has the information at that time, that friendly units are placing mines on Joe's unit's way of return.

Joe steps on one of those mines, his leg just vanishes and his comrades fight for Joe's life while waiting for an Evac. Couple of days later Joe dies on a Red Cross ship on his way to an italian field hospital, where the surgeon is already waiting. Joe's injuries are just too severe....

Another friend ("Mark") gets shot in the mouth by a sniper while he is checking out the perimeter and another one ("Steve") while crossing trenches from one checkpoint to the other.... the list goes on and on. Most of friends from school sign up to be thrown into active duty. It's even easier now to count the one's still alive.

Literally brothers have to watch each other die in the trenches and the battle fields. If you don't believe what you are reading here right now, please do your own research on the Balkan war!

You don't even know if your family is safe, because if the village can't hold the line, everybody in your village is doomed anyways. In the news you hear about massacres and mass rapings and hope to heaven nothing of this is true and your parents as well as your siblings don't have to live through these kinds of horrors.

It'sa MEEEE

Thank god none of my family got killed during the war.

My father actively tries to not worry too much about the circumstances, because what else can you do?

Instead he focuses on getting his shit together. Now he can finally afford a car and his brother doesn't need to rely solely on public transport anymore. It's 1992 and he is living his life as a young bachelor in his mid 20s, having fun as much as possible, while still trying to balance everything.

A few months after meeting my Mom, he decides to sell the old car and buy a new one. It makes sense, since this one is quite old and he is financially somewhat stable to finance a newer one.

They get to the car dealer to get the (used) car and after mere days, my father crashes it......

So now they don't only have to pay off the car payments, but also the repair fees.

They need a car because public transport is unreliable in this area and my dad could get fired for being late. My Mom doesn't even have a "Arbeitsbewilligung" (like a green card, a Document that allows you be employed in Austria), so my Dad is the only one providing for his brother, his girlfriend and also both their families as much as possible.

6 months after my parents get together, my Mom has bad news (No, you asshole, she is not pregnant with me). Austria wants to deport her back into a "safe zone" in a country where civil war has been raging since 1991. She fled to Austria to avoid war and she is being sent back....

My Dad doesn't want to lose his girlfriend. Directly then and there he proposes.....

1 year after a very small wedding (my Mom couldn't even afford a wedding dress) my Mom got pregnant with me in 1994.

Life is still a bitch.... But at least we have us now. And that is all we need....

Better times

I'll stop the story here, else I could write a book not a Blog post.

Only imagine the situation my parents used to be in:

- still living in one of the older Gentleman's room with my uncle

- in debt due to car payments

- Dad was fearing every day to hear that the front line is collapsing (thank god that has never been the case)

- Dad still trying to bring my uncle through school

- Mom struggling to find job with a baby at home

- Both of them trying to support their parents financially while beeing in a warzone

- Mom working 2 jobs privately to afford anything at all

- Mom already pregnant with my sister in 1996

I only have the deepest respect for what they managed to do and I hope to one day just become half the man my Dad is.

They came through all of those struggles and now are looking forward to retire in a couple of years

Love you both Mom & Dad