You're such a pussy

Hi there!!! This post is about how I deal with being disrespected and how the word "pussy" still has an impact on my behavior and my reaction.

As always be advised, that strong language is used

All the points described below are mostly my own experience

Crying

Every kid cries from time to time, that is perfectly normal. But adults??? Nah, they are not allowed to even shed a tear of joy.

Even if the roof over your head (metaphorically) is falling down, while fire is spreading throughout your entire house (again: metaphorically), you need to become Hulk himself and catch the roof while standing knee-deep in the fucking flames without even complaining.

Now that is a man, right?!?

Somebody who gets through anything, no matter how traumatising and painful it is and still shows absolutely no reaction. If you are anyhow like me, than you are absolutely not considered a man.....

Just in the last 2 years I have cried like a baby more than I would like to admit.

Here are just some Examples:

1. When my dad has told me that "just last year we tortured ourselves just so you can move in and now you are already leaving, just so you can try something new in your life" (see A life long dream for more details)

2. When I enter the door to my parents' home the same evening with my crutches, just to be greeted by an annoyed mother that is nagging about my stuff and me not having a place there anymore (goddamnit, I still remember this shit like it was just yesterday! The look of dissapointment in both my parents' faces still haunts me)

3. When I have found out that my Ex has been cheating on me with my uncle (he did not know about us, so absolutely not his fault) during my time in Boot camp. She even tries to manipulate me and makes me feel like I am the insane one!!! (So immasculating)

4. 4 weeks ago, when I have been told that there is no chance for me to join the Croatian SF due to paperwork issues.

If that makes me a crybaby, so be it.

If you are judging me for me this, FUCK YOU!!!

When Drill Sergeants smile

No wonder I have felt at home in the Army....

I am used to being called names. The only difference in the military for me personally is, that the Drill Sergeants were actually funny and nice about it.

I know this sounds weird, but hear me out: When they have learned that I am from Austria, their reaction has told me everything I need to know:

"Engineer from Austria??? Are you insane, Recruit??? WTF are you doing here, you should go back to Austria and sit at the desk wanking every day and afterwards clean up the mess with Euro-bills instead of going through this shitfuckery here!!!"

- "No sir, this is more fun, sir"

- *Drill Sergeants smile from ear to ear*

Loved every interaction with them, no matter how many push-ups, clean-ups and other shit I had to do. Even if they are punishing us for some shit we have done earlier, I never feel like the name calling and cussing is intended towards me, because I always have the feeling, like these tough men and women have very big trust put into me.

So even when one of the elder ones starts shouting that we are "wimps and only waste fresh air", that we should immediately give up and just go home to our warm beds, I have felt some shame insade before I realise that nothing of that is true. I mean, I have trained like the devil, just to get into there and now i am crushing records here.

Some of the toughest men and women I know from my Boot camp time, wouldn't even dare to say "pussy" to me. Yet for some strange reason, people that don't even have the guts to own up to their mistakes are throwing this word around like they are hard as rocks.

My past

It is absolutely not easy for me to talk about those things. I have been called wimp, bitch, crybaby and many other names because I did cry a lot as a child and even as a Teenager. But there is no word that still haunts me to this day like the word "pussy".

Every time I hear somebody calling me or someone else like that, something inside of me just clicks. I never want to return to being the little wimp i have used to be. So when somebody calls me like that, my response is usually one of these:

1. I snap (as a teenager)

2. I ignore it and carry my hatred towards the callee until I release all my anger towards the callee at once (usually doesn't end well)

3. I call the callee out on his/her bullshit and how he/she is the bigger pussy of us 2, when it comes to bravery

3 is actually the most civilized one, if only the callee doesn't tend to be a Nr.1 or Nr. 2 type of person. But under normal circumstances it doesn't escelate.

It's only painful if you believe it

One of my biggest realizations in the military has been that a word or insult is only painful and gets your reaction if you believe that there is some truth to it.

As I mention one of the older Drill Sergeants who encourages us to simply give up and quit, because the military doesn't need wimps, it does not bother me at all after my realization.

Once I've seen the pain in everybody's eyes from doing push-ups for punishment and realising I by far don't feel as miserable as them (most recruits don't train before they get into the military), I gained real and pure confidence.

Yes, you could argue that this is being toxic, because you find your confidence in somebody else's pain and torture. Only issue with that is...... I use my strength to encourage.

There is not a single recruit who could claim I haven't helped him or her when they have struggled with push-ups, sit-ups, or even academically. I have trained with them, giving out advice and encouraging when they struggle, so that every single one of them makes it through boot camp with the best grades possible.

IN THAT I FIND MY CONFIDENCE

So whenever somebody calls you names, it is usually a sign of insecurity in them.

True confidence comes from knowing you can help when somebody is struggling and not from kicking somebody when they are down.

If you still find yourself insulted, berated, belittled or even just hurt because of one word, it only means that you yourself believe there is truth to it.

Work on yourself

Now I know why the word "pussy" is hurting my feelings.

For a very long time I have been believing it myself, that I am not brave, a wimp, a loser, a crybaby.

So why are you insulted?

Analize which words have the most severe impact on you.

Analize why they have such an impact on you.

Than give your best, to prove to yourself that you are better, that you are no pussy, or idiot, or moron,.....

I know you can do it!!!

Thank you for reading to the end